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Dream log: 2 of 1

                                                                                💤💤Dream Log💤💤


I recently had another dream or series of dreams the past few days. July 16th to the present has been nothing but wild roller coaster dreams. Last Sunday I drank a whole bottle of Capriccio before going to bed. I only did it because I had no intention of going to Church the next day; especially since I had been going to Church the past few Sundays back to back. You'd think it was a good break for me as a nice little send off before returning back to the work week, even though I don't have a job anymore. Regardless, this dream was different. Liquor on its own acts like a suppressant so it kept me cozy at night. But my mind was nowhere near cozy or relaxed. It was creepy disturbing dreams back to back to back. I saw myself fighting random people with knives but every time I fought, I just saw myself getting cut up. The weirdest thing was my flesh would come back together like it was nothing special. I could see the anguish on my face from getting cut though. It's dreams like those that make me cringe and question what life is all about.  There was a lot more dreams that were crazy and gruesome like that one but it's been a couple of days so it's hard for me to remember all the details. Just last night I had some weird dreams as well. It had something to do with me sneaking around my house back in College Park. I don't know why I was sneaking around nor do I know what for. What I do remember is how the gloom the weather looked and how weird it made the day feel. I saw the oldest car from the 1950's parked outside the house when I was attempting to sneak out. I don't know why but I felt like a kid in that dream and I hated it. What's the point of growing up in life if your mind never wants to grow up - always longing to be controlled by something or someone.  I hate when I have those type of thoughts because it tells me that I haven't reached that sense of growth that I've been praying for ever since 2017. That sense of growth that I feel like I lack and the same reason why people always want to try me. I hate the kid in the mirror who's afraid of literally everything. When will I finally grow into the Man I long to be? The ideal self that I've always had in the back of my head. The only person in my way is me. The scary part is, I'm starting not to care about hurting myself to get to the point I want to. If anything I really wish I could beat my ass sometimes for choosing to be a little scared bitch for so long. 

Psyche professionals will tell you not to beat yourself up and not to engage in negative talk but I truly think the little kid in me deserves that shit. They weren't there for me when I was scared. They weren't there for me when I was getting bullied by people from the outside. But it's karma well deserved. When I was young, I was a tyrant man on the inside looking for anyway to get over on people. Now I parade here pointing the finger at anything and blaming everyone for my damn mistakes. I'm getting off topic so I'd like to cover my last dream and end it here. Yesterday or the day before when I took a nap I was in the middle of binge watching "The Fast and the Furious. I really wanted to watch and finish the movie but I was so tired. So in order for me to be rejuvenated, I took a nap. What I dreamt about was me being a part of a grand heist team that was currently in the middle of a big score. The team was doing great- I was looking out for cops while also trashing someone's office and stealing thousands of dollars worth of merchandise. When it was time to go though, my foot kept getting stuck in something that felt like threaded rope. It made no sense like most of my dreams because the place we crossed was a stone overpass. My foot kept getting stuck though and it was frustrating as hell. Luckily I woke up and realized I was in my apartment.  The older I get, the weirder my dreams get. Life is kind of strange when you don't have a job. I can't be mad at myself this time because I didn't want to leave the job that some random idiots made me feel like I could work. It was nothing but a waste of time and energy. I only allowed myself to be persuaded into that stupid gig because I don't respect myself along with other things I don't do for myself. I need to beat the shit out of myself. I want to beat the shit out of myself and hopefully turn him into a man so I can start living life the way I want to. But that's been the dream log. Thanks. 


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