For the majority of last year, I made a living timeline post; something that I feel I am the only to come up with. Most times, a blog post is a blog post and that's it. But I created a living blogpost; One that had the capability of getting more experiences added on time and time again. I wish I had some better pictures posted up on the time entry but you get what you can get. I'm thankful for what I've done, how I've gone about it, and what it has come too.
It's always about the little things in life. I'm happy to say that the last living blog post has finally come to an end. I've pulled the plug on that old project and with this new canvas, I will create ART for the world to see. I will construct and combine the finest of words and paragraphs so that my audience has no choice but to pay attention. With this new blog post, I'll introduce the world to new life experiences, personal triumphs, and much more things that happen in the life of Pancho. Thank you all for tuning in. Now, lets start the post ; The right way.
1st Entry: January 11th 2022
Happy New Year!!!!! 2022 is here, but it is no better. I've come to the conclusion that we're in the Armageddon of days. 2020 was just the start of the world chaos. But as time goes by, there will be harder years to come a day in and day out. You're probably wondering why I'm saying this.
Exhibit A: The death toll is nothing new. Every year people die. Before the new year is even allowed to grow to at least 1 month old, people are dying. I know close family friends who have already lost people in their lives. Not to mention the big top-name celebrities who I grew up watching. Death comes to collect...As if Covid wasn't enough. Imagine Bob Saget from Family Bunch, gone! Imagine Betty White from Golden Girls, gone! Imagine some of the oldest African American actors, Gone! Just like that in a second; in a blink. Lives that we never knew personally; lives that had the ability to touch our hearts through the television and the media; lives that most of us wanted to meet. gone for good. When they're gone, boy are they gone. But that's what makes life interesting. It continues to self regulate. I wish it wasn't like this, but I'd be lying if I said this was something new.
This year, all I can ask for is that I fully change myself in terms of how I act, who I give too, and what I do to support others. I've gone back to reading my daily bread so it has me feeling full of joy and promise in this bleak world. I'm slowly starting to realize that my age group of peers (Millennials) are taking over the world. We are slowly becoming the new adults of society. The old influences are retiring and dying; while the 45's and below are filling up the spaces in corporate, accounting for most of the votes that run the country, having children, starting families, and being the prominent ones in the media. My year is the newest year to finally run what goes on in the United States. All I can strive to do is be thankful and humble. But with thankfulness and humbleness come struggles, hardships, negative influences, speedbumps, and much more. So as I go through the motions in this new year, I pray that I keep my sanity in check and that I learn to control the feelings and urges I have when it comes to other people. When I think I'm having a bad day or when I think I'm not as fortunate as others, I must remind myself that I'm blessed. Some people don't even have a place to call home, other people to call family, or food to eat on their table... Until the next entry. Thank you.
Next Entry: January 23rd, 2022
The past few days have been somewhat of a whirlwind within my own whimsical mind. The boundaries of fate, reality and fiction are somewhat blurred. Days of the week do nothing but mesh together as my current nest feels like a consistent shrink-in on my space. I'm happy to say that I feel aware as all of this is going on and that the only reason why I write this blog is to stay in the awake space. Recently, I've been feeling pretty confident in myself to do something the family has never seen before. I feel like I have a lot of potential in my hands to disrupt the system and start a new way of living for not only myself but for my family. As I've strived to make myself more aware through my golden notes of life, I've realized that there are others who still appear to be sleeping. I only say this because of the things they prioritize and allow. I'm no one to judge on what people should be prioritizing, as Life IS WHAT YOU MAKE IT. However, I can't help but think to myself that I used to be just like that, stuck in illusional trances, thinking to myself that my life was the best that I was making it. I have been stuck in my Grandmothers illusion for almost my entire life. Jumping out of my shell will take some time and it won't happen overnight, but this is something that I must do. I have to do it or else I'll be no better than the one who oppressed mentally for all those years.
I know there was a good reason behind it. She saw a power of mixed breeds that she hadn't witnessed in her own family line. To protect the flawed ideology of their Americo Liberian image, she purposely did things that would have both me and mike question our own thoughts and opinions. Then after a while, I see she started treating everybody the same. So it might not have had anything to do with that last theory, but she still did stuff. The only way I can get over this is by visiting her grave. I must do this before it becomes too late. I didn't get to it on her birthday (Nor did I intend to), but there's a funeral happening on the 29th of this month. Something tells me this is the best time to pay the old lady a visit. There are some things I wanna get off my chest. Some things I need to get off my chest. And through this way, I'll definitely get some things off my chest. The living document continues. Thank you for constantly being a supportive audience and I'll see you all next time.
Next Entry: February 28th, 2022
A LOT has happened since I last did a live document feed on this thing. So much stuff has happened I tell you. The world continues to spin in a circle. The talking amongst peers that was once vibrant has all but died now. This includes with those who I neglected as friends, who I saw as family, who I let in, and who I let down. There's so much change with what is going on. I can feel myself changing along with my mindset and most of my tendencies. I still have the heart of a child but in a weird way, It's starting to make me look crazy.
I can't help but feel childish.....When everyone is frowning I'm still smiling. When everyone is angry I'm still happy. I know I shouldn't be this happy but how can I not be??? I'm blessed and I live in a world with unmatched possibilities. I strive to enjoy and make the most of out of these possibilities as much as I can. I visited Sophie Chesson sometime earlier this month. I figured why not do that during BHM, considering the fact that she accomplished a good amount in her young life. I put emphasis on the young life because that's the life I didn't see or the time period that affected who I was personally. Every time period after that was something I really don't remember fully as being memorize worthy. I plan to start venturing into my thesis and planned work for the masters.
I'm serious on pursuing this degree. My teacher from school (The one who I really got the inspiration from) couldn't even make it through this time. He leaves behind a family, one he used to always talk about. The little girl will grow to become someone who is strong and has a good personality, just like her father. I got two ideas for building a thesis. The first is "Just how misleading is virtual reality and are we a danger to ourselves by believing in it? Who's to say what's real and what's fake today? " The circle is a TV drama show where people only interact off profiles that were created from the human eye. They don't ever see who or what is hiding underneath the screen face. To implement this study and potential truth, I call FB Dating to the stand. This will be the beginner platform that I utilize to show just how misleading virtual reality can be and already is. I start with a profile pic (Just 1) that isn't mine, hints and cues within my page that show I'm really not who I say I am, and outlandish answers to prompts provided by the platform. These outlandish answers were done on purpose to see who's lonely enough to tolerate vocal stupidity. Something that would be both a great learning lesson for me and for my graduate program.
Doing this will spark back my self respects journey. I can find purpose in my life through projects that I choose to pursue and complete. Like the book said on 16 personalities, completing the project is only half the effort. The MAIN thing to grasp from these self respect journeys is building up my inner self by "walking the walk" rather than "talking the talk" and getting fat. Once I build myself up from the inside, the outside will have no choice but to fall in line. At the end of the day, it has nothing to do with the material. Evolution already took care of that for us. In these times, what really matters is the spiritual. Once the spiritual is in tact, only then will live show it's true colors to that one lucky person. The peace and prosperity is here; we just got to be open to looking for it. I got a cool new fashion sense idea too.
Glow in the dark, sterling silver rings with natural stone inlays. Just how cool is that???? Me thinks that's pretty awesome. I can show out and find something that really symbolizes what I feel like in life (After you said that for the past 30,000 times Marquoi - Note to self), REGARDLESS of what I've said in the past. It's gonna be different this time and I can explain. So, being a Christian is technically the equivalent of being a light that shines in this dark and weary world. Having a jewelry piece that glows when in the dark will only motivate me to be my best self every day. At night, I get a little scared sometimes. Having this ring will show that I don't need to be afraid of the light anymore. It will symbolize something that I already know myself....That I am a light in this world, called to unite with other Christians and light up the darkness. This will be a blessed journey and the times to come will surely be interesting. I'm anxious to see what will come of it but I need to be focused now! more than ever is the time to make a huge difference. Thank you.
Next Entry: Same Day as Above
This is gonna be something new that I do, where I have 2 days linked to 1 complete thought. The true nature of doing things right with me. My whole life, I've felt like I'm not true to myself. But there's not much I can do about that anymore. The second project I had in mind that would be thesis worthy- Going into depth on the different social media personalities. I'd be a creeper or stalker (Not literally) but that would be my type. Those personality types are known for always spreading information and reposting it but never being the leader of popular opinion. The question I want to assess is if worlds of these types exist on platforms like Twitter, where opinion is king. Groups can form from any 1 thought. There's only but so much like mindedness that can go around to feed the banquet table. But that's only because it's all we see. I got more to come when it comes to this stuff. For now, baby steps. Now I'm officially done. Thank you.
Next Entry: March 1st 2022
Today I had a weird encounter with shadowing the new girl. Or her shadowing me. Now, this is the weird part; yet again, thanks to other co-workers, I had to do something I didn't want to, resulting in me not working the front desk. This is what I am talking about sometimes. The way coworkers act and do their own thing reminds me of the way people acted in school. This feels no different than being in a group full of people who do their own thing. Not to mention, my entire office likes to fuck with me.,...For some reason, I don't know why. It's very very weird. But at the same time, I'd be lying if I said I didn't like the attention. I secretly do like it; the admiration, the envy, the obsession, all of it. But if this is how I'm going to be from now on, I'll have to start learning how to act on it correctly.
Today, I printed out the two letters that I would need to show mom and dad before it's too late to move into the apartment. This is very crucial. It wouldn't be as crucial if I just told them from the start through a letter that was already printed out. But with both letters printed in hand, I can now execute the final step to this whole mess. Getting them on board is the main objective right now. I'll continue to ask God for bravery and trust in letting them know. It's who IO am after all. Thank you, and God Bless.
Next Entry: March 2nd 2022
I'd like to give an update on how my experiment is going with the Facebook dating catfish simulator. So far, I'm getting a lot of bait to be a catfish. At this point, I have a good enough sample to start my thesis; documenting the time I started, the sample size of bait, and the intentions that I have for a time-framed plan. The code name for this thesis will be: Social Media Catfish - Debunking the reality of virtual reality.
On the other hand, I'm excited to announce that I've told most of the people in my house about my plans on moving out this April. I feel very confident in what I'm doing both physically and mentally. This method allows me to tie in the self-esteem and respect aspects of my life. Eventually, I'll foster the necessary growth needed to become my true self. Speaking of the necessary growth, it's crazy how this is what came up in conversation today at work. The topic was if being sheltered while growing up helped or stunted the necessary growth for someone my age to have. Others have that growth instilled at an early age. It was a weird case with my story. Almost all of my efforts to grow were secluded and put in secret. The acts of my parents and guardians were crossovers from trauma that they experienced in their early lives. Unfortunately, they refuse to allow us to adapt to the ways of life and how things were going to be. In the end, everything we ever did, put up with, and tolerated was for nothing. Nobody cared. People criticized our efforts and made fun of the event. I feel like a fool but I'm not sure if that's how I'd want to look at it. I never asked to be born into this life or the struggles that came with this clan of people or their ideologies. However, there's an old saying that most people go by. When life gives you lemons, you must learn to make lemonade. This will be it for this entry. Thank you and God Bless.
Next Entry: March 8th 2022
So the past few days have been anything but eventful. The misadventures of Pancho continue all year long. I'll be here all week. But before I leave the stage, allow me to tell you all what I've been through these past few times. So the weekend started great because both me and gopher planned out a good getaway for the stressful week. It was nothing major honestly; just something around the way to get some rocks off. The only issue was last weekend packed at this hotel (unknowingly). The stay would've been better but having people blast music all night long over a party that was happening isn't the best thing to relax to. I was in the middle of piping gopher down when a group of immature ghetto black people decided to knock on our doors because why not? So the entire mood was killed while I was on "vacation" from home. That ruined the hotel experience for me and will continue to do so for a while. Fast forward 24 hours and I come home to a letter from T Mobile along with a new notification from my bank. T mobile charged me $392 for not returning something I never asked for.
The bank I'm with decided to wipe out all the money I had planted in the credit zone so that I couldn't live freely anymore. The more I try to create a system that works for me, the harder it gets. Leave it to Uncle Sam to ruin stuff left and right. Honestly, it makes no sense to me but I guess there are no shortcuts in life, for black people at least. Fast forward to Monday morning; there are no openers for work. Now I got managers texting my phone asking if I can come in early to run the morning shift. Not the best way to start a Monday morning from a bad weekend. To add insult to injury, I manage to drop my phone while in the bathroom, completely shattering it up on the left side. Luckily I was able to create a screen cover with scotch tape so that my fingers wouldn't end up like Bloody Mary. It's a temporary fix to my problems. Anything was better than dealing with that contraption for disaster. I came home feeling like complete crap. This wasn't a feeling I wanted to have at the start of a week, but it's something. One thing I'm realizing is the weather is slowly changing. The wind is starting to feel warmer. The night sky is getting brighter. You can tell warm weather is right around the corner.
I was able to drop off my package at a UPS store today. The bill will possibly get waived. The bank will be sending me a check of all the money I planted to my home address at the end of the month. On top of that, the ring I ordered will be here soon. Life will have its ups and downs but I'd like to end this off with a quote from the gopher herself. "God will never put you in a situation that you can't handle. Always keep your head up, regardless of the struggles." I took that with great stride. I'm still here today, praising God for all the good he does. I expect great things to happen in my life as it goes on. You can count on me to keep you all updated. Thank you and God Bless.
Next Entry: March 9th 2022
I know I shouldn't be bringing my work with me home, but this is ridiculous. I don't understand how providers can be overlooked from doing anything wrong when they're still humans. Everyone messes up, even the ones with titles behind their name. It really shows just how nasty a company can be in between the lines. Blaming all the mishaps and failures on admins; its coward culture. There's no one to stand up and say "HEY! you leave them alone". But that's the way of life I guess. If the fall don't come your way, why step in the line of fire? That's the American Way. The stupid way; but yet this country is dubbed the worlds greatest producer. When it all boils down to the hard shell of the egg, you got to be selfish and unwilling. Those who aren't get thrown to the dust, long to be forgotten. That's all I got for this one. Best of luck to all.
Next Entry: March 14th, 2022
Yesterday was the spring forward trip. A trip that causes us all to change. Everyone at work was unadjusted today. For common reason, not everyone knew that the time was moving forward to being with. Before that time, my life was already springing forward my own special ways. I paid off all my debts to personals (Not much I had to begin with), life feels foggy. It gets foggier around certain situations and places. For example, the church visit I had. Being surrounded by majority White folk who probably think little of you is annoying. Shows more reason as to why I didn't want to be there in the first place. The people and the attention........Why is it like that. The same issues it's always been. People thinking and believing deep down in their souls that their existence is superior to yours. Now if only everyone could tell just how special they are (were). This is definitely a cry for help. But I don't want to cry. I want to scream and punch things. I want to break shit. I want to let this hit out on something that makes a lot of sounds when its broken. Like Dry Wall. Or maybe candy glass.
I'm getting somewhat better with handling the way I conduct myself in conversation. I have to stop speaking without thinking. Stop speaking if I don't have anything to say or any action to show from it. If I have absolutely nothing to say, I wont say anything. Why waste my breath. It's not helping me nor is it wanted by the person who has to hear it. Simple, straight. to the point. I need to stop saying things that I'm gonna do and just do it. The {Implement} - {Evaluate} - {Correct} process is the best way to cut this bullshit that I do. I've been a talker my entire existence. It's about time I stop talking about shit and just start doing. I've been called special, a piece of work, a looney, a character. so much things...This is amazing. I really am different. Thank you, and God Bless.
Next Entry: March 15th, 2022
Life is unexpected and it really finds a way of catching you off guard. Sometimes I wonder why it's designed that way. This all comes from the way people act, the way they defend themselves, the way they think. That's the real beauty of life. Somewhere I read that it's not even about the materialistic feels anymore. Today it's more about the spiritual. If I'm not good in between my ears and my heart, there's no way I can survive the feelings from the outside world. That's the work....Surviving the feelings from the outside world. Making sure that I know myself and I know how to conduct myself in multiple situations is the key to living long. Judge not nor condemn not. Teach others rather than display the knowledge. Always ask questions rather than making foolish assumptions. This is the way to live long. Being a fool with no motive will only lead to an early grave. Ignoring all the doubters and negative people who do nothing but take from those who have been taken is key. I wont say anymore into how I'm feeling. This is the way I want to be. Expressing my feeling in a constructive, comfortable, self assuring way is my bread and butter. My place of peace will forever be my mind, hear, and soul. The true trinity of the body - The temple built from within. Thank you.
Next Entry: March 16th 2022
Life is moving very fast. The springtime change is making everything go faster than it normally does. I feel like this is the time to put my system into thrust gear. It's like when the time moves forward, everything foes with that time moving forward as well. Today, I did nothing at all. But I do now that I got stuff todo. And I really have no time to water listening to music or getting high. Unfortunately, as of this piece, I'm very high. It was a long day and my head was throbbing. So it was worth it. I'll be happy if I get some stuff done at least.
Next Entry: March 21st 2022
This was an okay day besides me being tired for the most part. I'm getting back to that habit of slowly dozing off after eating something with a little bit too much oil. It happened at work today right after my break. I'll sit there in the seat and not move until it registers in my head to go splash my face with some water. It's very interesting. I even find myself dozing off with bright lights around. Other than that, I added some really good songs to my playlist for the car. Some Skippa Da Flippa, Lil Yatchy (The good kind), and other things. The weather is starting to look really nice. Oh, and we got new floors in the house thanks to my folks. They touched all the main parts of the house with some really fine laminated decal. Meanwhile, those who wander over here and there yonder are still wandering. Let them do them I guess. Besides, it's not like they'll ever see what hit them when the time skip is complete.
My dieting skills are off the chain, I'm very happy and proud of myself, and this is the happiest that I've ever been in mu 20 year old life; Only because I 've been following the guide of 16 personalities and it's starting to show. The main thing that keeps me happy is being occupied. Not only that, when I'm being occupied by something that I want to do; It makes it easier for me to indulge in the activity. It has nothing to do with completing the project or making a great finishing touch to the activity. Just like the book said: "Doing a good job is only half the effort. The real effort comes from all of the work being done by you". Thank you Lord for all that you do and all that you'll continue to do. Thank you audience, and I'll see you all next time.
Next Entry: March 28th 2022.
So A Lot has happened in the past few days. As you can tell, I only post on this live feed when I feel like I got nowhere else to be. This is the only reason why this thing exist now. So, as usual I still hate my damn job. Its the people on top of people that blow me. Take a really good day, then put people who are young in the mix; that's what you get with one medical shit. Nothing but a whole bunch of people who think they're grown acting like little children. Not to mention, people still have shit to do outside of work all the time. I'm saying three or four thousand maybe, that's the amount of problems that go on in that damn office. It's bad enough that I had a serious incident of road rage, almost threw out my hip, smashed a bottle of wine in my house by accident, got into an unnecessary argument with my best friend, got a call from an old leach that caused the argument between me and my best friend, found more medical problems with myself and dealt with nothing but backlash of irresponsibility from my siblings. No one is special. I'm not listing my problems to say they're better or worse than anyone else. All I'm saying is that everyone goes through problems. The last thing people need is issues at work amongst the people they work with. That shit is annoying as fuck and selfish. But people wont see it that way. They focus on things that benefit them and them only.
On a side note, I need to get over my obsession with material jewelry and fine china. I feel like there's power in these pieces of metal. But I must remind myself that it's nothing but stuff that will not cross over with me when I die. Those are merely things to help us live our lives now. The materialistic is for the moment, in the moment. Making it as such will reap the most rewards. Chasing after every hard rock or material I see online will bring me to a rabbit hole of empty promises and unfilled expectations. I wont become another person that falls into that rabbit hole, because if I do the hole will only continue to get bigger and bigger. The real hole I should look into is the one in my heart. This whole has the power to create chips on my shoulder and finesse me out of the way I should be acting. I want and need to be complete. I need to be whole and fulfilled. I need to be successful in my life. I will be successful in my life so help me God. Praise the Lord. Amen.
Next Entry: March 30th, 2022
I got to be discreet with this post. It's essential that I keep the content on this post broad and vague. Details are far from unnecessary on this one --- I saw her again, today. I've seen her a few times now. It's only getting more relevant. This has been the most that I've seen her in the span of 48 hours. I don't want to assume anything because that's how you set yourself up for failure. I'm tired of being disappointed by the people I let in. The past ones that I did let in has completely fucked up my judgment for who to open the gate for. Most of the ones I let in are nothing but house crashers, crazy people, and those with no home training. It's sad for myself; especially for the way I was raised. Then again, maybe not. My upbringing and morals consist of secrets, jealousy, drama, mental abuse, physical abuse, and strangers. Especially strangers.... So is my judgement fucked up? Or am I just playing my part? I guess I'll know and figure it out when I sit back in the grand seat and watch the television of heaven. According to my mom, that's how it plays out. But my thing is, why would there be a TV in heaven? I know one thing for sure. I can't fail with the way I live my life because the majority of my history is nothing but failure. At least I can sit here and acknowledge that. It hurts.... It hurts bad. When it gets like this, I wish I didn't have emotions to feel. I wish I didn't do or say some of the things I did. But it's ok. That's how it has to be. On the flip side, I'm still breathing and moving along with life.
Some people aren't as fortunate as I am. But to be honest with you all, I don't think I'm done yet. I'm far from being done. I want more for my family and myself. I know my heart beats fast when I say stuff like this, but now I want to be comfortable with it. I want to embrace this and master it. Not for greed or selfish reasons though. I want to do this because I know I can. If a dolphin feels like it has the capability to swim for 1000 miles, would it not try to tread the expedition? It's all a matter of knowing what you can and can't do. I have a feeling I can do this and that's what I want to do. And I wouldn't have this feeling if I haven't done spectacular stuff in the past. I got a book of accomplishments to provide factual evidence that I know how to to do spectacular things. That right there is assurance for the books. Literally assurance in the books for my accomplishments. If I can't get motivated by that, then I don't know what will motivate me. I think the mystery girl might be a sign for my growth and improvement. It's a sign that I can't give up hope because God will always be with me. It's also a sign to not fall in love with things of the world. I just have to live in the world. Once I do that, at the right pace and with the right end goal, the marathon doesn't feel too bad. I will put it to a test. Thank you for listening.
Next Entry: March 31st, 2022
Today was another weird day in the blur. That's what I had to say the first time. That's the only thing I had to say most of the time. This time the power went out, and I read a stupid book. Who's to say all the books aren't stupid anyway. All of them are weird. That's what I like about myself; I think everything is stupid except myself. I'm the biggest stupid one there is. I like to read between the lines but I never seem to eat the pie. I don't even want to add to this piece today. It's pointless and monotonous. I think I've hit my capping point with this one. I'm officially done. Until next time.
Next Entry: May 19th, 2022
So I got Covid, recently I got this shit and it was not good at all. This shit had my head feeling it was about to explode. It felt like world war 3. This was the weirdest shit to have in a good while. Imagine following all the rules and getting all the vaccinations in life to see to it that you would be safe. Then you still getting your system infected by the thing you hated the most. That was the biggest wake up call for me. Having her take care of me for the first time in a long time showed me that she was in the corner that I needed to most, the emotional support corner. I'm not gonna be a person who beats around the bushes anymore. I got to be the person that I'm comfortable being. This is the life that was curated for me. I was the one who was told how to act and live in the modern century. From trial and error to deception and discernment, these are the things that were expected of me. I needed to be in that weird headspace for me to see what life was. I'm thankful for me, my life, my family, regardless of how things were set up. I got to be proud because it all resembles who I am as a person and I'm a great person. I must continue to tell myself that I am a great person and that what I do is great. If what I do is great then the family by default is great. I will not fail in making them great. Once all is said and done, I'll truly know who I am along with seeing how true my family really is. This is for me, my loved ones, my relationships, my personal growth, and much more. Thank you all for listening. God Bless You All.
Next Entry: July 25th, 2022
Well, no one ever said it was going to be easy. Life along with everything else that comes with it can be a lot of substance at times. People are weird and they all have their own agenda at the end of the day. It's understandable - people have a right to their beliefs and their opinions. It's a "God Given" right, so they say. The only thing I can't seem to wrap my head around is why I always feel this way. I always feel like I find myself struggling to get to a place where I want to be. I know for a fact that I can put in the work when need be. However, that work barely ever amounts to anything. I remember when I was younger and I had to get a glass of water for my grandmother, She decided to stop me midway when I was pleading my case about how I'm a hard worker. One thing she told me, was that I work hard but I don't do the right type of work.
I couldn't understand what she meant by that for the life of me. I really couldn't understand what the old lady was talking about. Something tells me as I go on and further in life, I'm starting to think what she meant. I was putting in the right type of work the first time I worked in the healthcare industry. There was an unfair structure that was placed at Howard University Hospital. I have no regrets leaving as early as I did, nor do I have any regrets with what I chose to do with the money I save up. I also have no regrets with the connection I chose to pursue for different work industries. Just like that, in a blink of an eye, I lost it all. I literally lost it all and it got taken away from me all by my actions. The people around me, or myself - I'm out of balance with the world. My personality is so rare, there's barely any group that we fit in. I feel so miserable sometimes knowing that people don't like me or feel the need to challenge me or argue every fucking point I make or to make me the scapegoat. It's..... frustrating and at this point I'm well over it. If Santa Claus were to come down and ask me "What do you want for Christmas little boy?", I would tell him "I want peace".. The peace to do my own thing and not feel the backlash; the peace to make better decisions with myself and with other people; the peace to understand how the outside world works without me fucking something up; it's all I really want. My jobs over the past few years have been nothing but stressful. The blessings that have come into my life have been swept under the rug.
The guide that I've been following since 2018 has done nothing for me simply because I'm too afraid to implement it. I'm afraid, a people pleaser, a "do what you want" type of nigga. Nobody's perfect and I know it. But I mean damn.. I was 21 when I discovered that guide. Its been 4 years now and I still feel like I haven't made any progress. There's a limit where everyone has to come and say "what am I doing"? I feel like that's the question I need to ask myself every time I mess up today. From how to interact with the outside world to how I build up my internal mindset. It's a lot to deal with. Life is hard as it is - even with the knowledge at my hand, I still chose to make life hard for myself. That's the craziest part about it. Life bound and never able to give myself a break is the crypt that I have grown to put myself in. The big ball of confusing thoughts and emotions continues to grow harder and more confusing every day. It's crazy and complex all at once. At this rate, the snowball will be too large and dense for me to control. I don't want to get lost in the form of a snowball - my own biggest enemy. The biggest enemy I have is myself and only myself. Thank you for listening. Hopefully, I'm listening.
Next Entry: October 11th, 2022
So it's been a long while since I've visited the living timeline post. Thank you all for your patience. As of now, I'm close to finishing my 1 year and then some at One Medical Group. This would be the longest time that I've ever spent working for the healthcare industry. I learned so much about what goes on with healthcare and everything associated with it. Working with doctors both directly and indirectly have added to my skillset of things that I plan to carry on with me for the rest of my employment life. Life is like an equation. For each thing you do on one side of the equation, you must be ready to do on the other. I've concentrated so much effort on the pursuit of money that it seems to have tipped the scale of what my true passion is. I went to school for business administration - with that I was able to enter fields of administration that would make me a good amount of money. $18-21/hr might not look like much, but for someone with outstanding money management, it's a gold mine. My concentration under the bachelors degree was marketing- I've done little to nothing when it comes to that field.
Unless I want my degree concentration to go to waste, I need to start growing in the field of marketing. This means climbing up from the bottom and slowly climbing up to the top like I did with administration. Healthcare wasn't my ideal placement for that side of things, but it was interesting. Now I wonder where the path of creativity and marketing will take me. That just gave me a really good idea; Administration and strategy VS Marketing and creativity. I've fulfilled the left side and now I must fulfill the right. Things are looking scary for now but with God's help and warming embrace, I know there's nothing that I'll have to worry about. I'll see where the right side takes me. The practical side, the blue side. The free side. I will do it. Like I told Meggie, " We are gonna make it".
Next Entry: October 20th, 2022
It's a new day and I'm still trying to find the spark that will keep me busy in life. This is rather hard for me to do since, for the most part, I'm used to doing things that I'm told. It's crazy how one could live that way for so long. Now that I'm on my own, I need to do the groundwork to find my purpose in life. Only through that purpose in life am I supposed to find out how I'm going spend the rest of my life. Seems like a lot of work. It's definitely different when you don't have something to guide you. The funniest part is I'm supposed to relax and have some fun and or creativity in this stuff. I just can't seem to come up with a stable schedule to do all these things. It's one thing trying to set a life routine. It's another thing trying to make some purpose out of that life schedule. I'll cut this concept short for now due to wifi issues. But, We'll pick it back up tomorrow. Thanks for listening and happy hunting!!!
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